August 4, 2008

Epiphanies and feeling uber zen

I had a crappy weekend. I felt crappy. Not sick, just really super tired. And then I couldn't sleep at night. boo hoo. 

I knew something was wrong when late saturday afternoon I thought, 'I can't wait to go back to work and do this and this and this'. Uh oh. 

Not having slept very well I got a bit cranky and then took it out on the boy on Sunday. He left, I felt bad, and then had some very good thinking time. 

How long has it taken me to realise that men and women are different. Take me (female) for example. I went to an all girls secondary school and had a group of friends that were super competitive and super smart (i was the average one). We were always pushing ourselves and each other to do that much better. Five years of that and i was a lost cause - i'm a hard out. I figure there is no point doing something unless you are going to do it properly and efficiently. I drive myself nuts with it all the time, especially when i'm sitting at work thinking i could have done something much better, much sooner, when really i doubt that anyone else has even noticed. 

The problem with this is that because i have such incredibly high standards of myself, i tend to expect the same of everyone else. Which is unfair. And the person it is most unfair on, is the boy. 

The boy is a youngest child. Something that to me is glaringly obvious every day. He's a total cruiser, anything that can be put off til tomorrow will be, and quite often he doesn't think of how what he does will affect anyone else. Because i suppose, when he was growing up, he got away with everything and noone really worried about him. His parents had probably figured that all the others turned out ok, surely he will too with much less effort.  

He makes up for that with grand gestures - i always get the most amazing presents and surprises from him.  Whereas i make lots of little gestures constantly. 

So the big deal was this: now that we don't live together, i want to hang out with him all the time because i adore being round him. He, on the other hand, just carries on with life as always and knows i'm there if he needs me. Which makes me cranky. 

Until yesterday.
1. He probably doesn't want to hang with me cos i get cranky all the time (duh.)
2. I need to chill out, relax and just let him be him (also, duh)
3. Stop being such a relationship control freak. It's still a relationship even if I don't see him for five days. (yep, that would be duh)

And i feel so much better. I'll be the first to admit it's going to be hard to change some very old habits. But I also need to spend more time looking after myself. Part of that is not sweating the small stuff, and really, it is pretty small stuff. I don't really need the extra stress of being grumpy at the boy because he isn't living my super high standards.

The other reason i'm feeling uber zen right now is that i just got back from playing indoor netball and i feel freaking amazing. Endorphins, anyone? I sleep way better when i've had some exercise in a day, so i think i might start getting up earlier in the morning and going for a run before work. Or after work. Even if it's raining. Because it makes me feel so much better, and boy i'm going to need to be on top of the game for the coming months. 

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